-Proverbs 16:2
Not gonna lie. This weekend has been super hard. I have had things happen that I never expected. I got hurt, but it was my own fault. I said things I shouldnt have, things I wish I could take back. I made choices I regret. But through it all, God was teaching me something, a lesson I needed to learn.
We are so quick to question the motives of others, yet we are so slow to question our own. When others harm us, we tend to assume the worst of intentions. When we are guilty, we often excuse our offences, concluding that others are to blame. Regardless of how we monitor our motives, God weighs them in His scales of righteousness. It is futile to try to deceive God with our vain justifications, for He sees our hearts.
Is it possible to do the right thing for the wrong reasons? Of course! You can attend worship services with a heart that is far from worshipful. (Isaiah 1:10-17) Could you show concern for the poor and yet have a heart that is opposed to God? Judas did. (John 12:4-8) Could you make bold statements of love for Christ and actually be aiding the work of Satan? Peter did. (Matthew 16:21-23) Could you offer sacrifices to God and be in total disobedience to Him? King Saul did. (1 Samuel 13:8-14) Could you pray with the wrong motives? James said you can. (James 4:3)
Many things cause us to do what we do. We can be motivated by good things, such as love for God, compassion, generosity, and faith. Or our actions can come from unhealthy motives such as pride, insecurity, ambition, lust, greed, guilt, anger, fear, and hurt. It is even possible to do the best things based on the worst motives. When the Lord measures our motives He looks for one thing: Love. All that we do should proceed from our love for God and for others. (1 Corinthians 13)
I encourage you to really go through and read these sections of scripture, not just take notice of the references. The three previous paragraphs were taken from my devotional. God really used it to speak to me in a time when I needed to hear it most. Sunday night I felt just awful. Part of it was because some friends invited me to play basketball with them, but they were already inside when I got there and I tried to get a hold of them to let me in, but no one noticed. It was late so I left. I drove a total of 40 miles for nothing. It hurt, but that wasn't what really got to me. It just happened to be the breaking point.
I lied to my friend on Friday. Later realizing what a terrible mistake I made, I told her what I did. I had to apologize and hope she would forgive me. She did. But some friend I was. I don't know why I did what I did, but I know it was selfish and I hated myself for it. There were plenty of other situations too, but I'm not looking to write a book, although it wouldn't be hard to do considering all of the times I screwed up. Anyway, the point is it took looking back on all of these situations and the way I handled them, along with the way they made me feel to realize what the problem was. The problem was in my motives. They were selfish and sinful.
I'm not good at approaching situations I am unfamiliar with. And it seems that I always end up making the wrong decisions. I'll conclude by saying this: my big thing isn't being patient with God, it's trying to understand the "why" behind the things that I go through. Sometimes I may never understand the reasons why, so it takes faith, and a lot of it to trust God in what He is doing. This time He was showing me that I need to keep a check on my motives. This life isn't about me. MY life isn't about me. It's about God. It always has been. That's the whole reason any of us are here: to love and praise and serve and worship the one true God. He brought me back to Matthew 6:33." Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you." That's my job. That is my entire life mission. No matter what I am doing, I need to be seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness. That means surrendering my life and my plans and doing what God wants me to do. His plans are so much better than anything I could ever imagine, so why wouldn't I!? Because I'm selfish. I am a sinful human being and I want to do what I want to do. That is why I must die to myself every day and live for Jesus instead. It's not easy, but I'll never stop trying.
Side Note:
I've had wonderful friends who have been encouraging, loving, patient, caring, and most importantly forgiving to help me through times like these. I am super thankful for you guys and the fact that you always point me back to Jesus. Because honestly, when I'm going through stuff like this, He is the last thing on my mind. I tend to push Him away. 😔 So thank you for persistantly pointing me back to God and His word. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you guys!
