A Shield For Faith

Last week at school I revealed a project I had been working on since winter break. I planned on it being a weekend project. That didn't happen. I ran into SO MANY problems I nearly gave up, several times. But in the end, I managed to complete it. Some of you know it as Project Snowstorm, to some of you it's the shield, to others you might have no clue what I'm talking about. But I'm about to tell you the story behind it.

Winter break was an extremely tough time for me. There were times when I had literally zero motivation to do anything. But, through reading scripture, prayer, and the support of my friends I made it through. Not only did I make it through, but I had also found something to get motivated about.

I was struggling with my faith, not necessarily doubting it, but I just didn't have much of it. But like I said, inspiration hit. I remembered who I am and why I'm here; it's not for me. It's for God. And no matter how hard things get, He will be there with me every step of the way. So I decided to make myself a physical reminder of this, similar to the little cross necklace I made back in high school. I wear that necklace every day to remind myself of what Jesus did for me, and so I don't take that for granted. He gave up everything for me and He deserves no less than my best regardless of how I feel.

I tell you that so that you might have a better understanding of why I took on this other project. What is it exactly? It's a shield. But not just any shield. It's not even a Captain America shield, as cool as that would be. It's a shield for faith. Now, you might be wondering why I didn't say "a shield of faith." That's simple. The shield is not made of faith. It's just metal and paint. But, I made it to remind myself to always have faith. Because it's one thing to say, "yeah, I've got my shield of faith today." It's a whole other thing to carry around a physical shield. It's there. It's tangible. It has weight. You can't help but be reminded that you're carrying this thing around. What I'm saying is, it makes it real. It solidifies the concept in my mind. I know that God will be with me whatever I may be going through, sure. But when I look at that shield, I instantly think, "you know, God's got this. He's never failed before and He won't start now. It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't matter how hard the situation may be. I am His, and He will always be there to get me through. I can always have faith in Him.

Making the shield was no easy task. I started with a circular metal sled. I cut the outer edge off to remove the curled lip. My friends let me tell you, cutting a perfect circle on a curved surface is no piece of cake. After that I stripped the red paint off of both sides of the disk. That was a pain as well. Eventually,I found a better paint stripper, but it still took me about four solid days to get down to bare metal. I definitely thought about quitting at that point. But I didn't. By the time I had the paint stripped, it was time for the spring semester of college to start. So the project got put on hold. At some point I decided to take a weekend and just finish it. By then, the disk was covered in rust. So I had to clean that off. It took a whole day to clean and mask off my design. But by the end of the day, I had it painted. The next day I clear coated it. I did not have the proper technique and in the end, some areas the clear coat puddled and in others it splattered. It was ruined. The only way to fix it would be to strip the whole thing and start over. I was in tears. I had put so much into the disk and was so close to having it finished and then I screw it up. After that happened, I was done. I gave up on it. I planned on getting a spun aluminum disk and starting over. So the ruined disk sat in my room for over a month.

Two weekends ago I was having another hard day. So I was in my room listening to music. The song that came on reminded me that life isn't perfect. Rarely, if ever does life go the way we expect it to. I looked over at the disk and something just clicked. I realized my faith isn't perfect either. I have doubts, I falter, I mess things up, but that's what makes me who I am and makes me turn to God. It's easy to praise God in the good times, but it is hard as crap to praise Him when everything is crashing down on you. So I finished the shield. I cleaned the rust off the back, made a handle and an arm strap, and cleared the back. It was done. Now, some of the rust had started to show on the front through the clear coat. But, this wasn't news to me. It had looked like that a couple of days after I cleared the front. The clear coat prevented it from rusting any further. But the rust that did show through, gave it this beautiful golden color. That made me think, that's kind of the way God uses us. He takes all of us, including our broken parts and makes something beautiful.

I said I made the shield for the same kind of reason I made my necklace. I wear the necklace every day. Now, I'm not going to carry around a giant metal shield around everywhere I go, not every day at least. I had a hard, disappointing day this past weekend and I knew that Monday would be an especially tough day for me. So I decided to take the shield with me and carry it around wherever I went. I needed the physical reminder that God has me and I could and needed to put my faith in Him to get me through. That's why I made it in the first place!!! It helped. It also strengthened something else in my mind. I often worry about what other people will think of me. So it took a bit of courage to walk around campus all day with a metal shield on my arm. I mean, that's not normal. People know that's not normal and some even stared. But then I remembered, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about me. It only matters what God thinks about me. So for those of you that did see me with it yesterday, know this: I wasn't carrying it around to show off. In fact, I was a little embarrassed walking around with it at first. But, I was carrying it because yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm okay, though.

To everyone who's reading this:
I love you! Jesus loves you!!! I hope you have a great day!

Here are some pictures of what the shield looked like at different stages of the process.

Love Does'nt Make Sense

To fall in love with someone is easy, in a sense. To tell them how you feel is difficult. To get over those feelings is the hardest thing imaginable.

I'm currently in the second stage; I'm trying to tell someone how I feel about her. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I can recall all of the girls I've had a crush on from late elementary school through college. I never told a girl that I liked her until just after high school. I didn't know how and I was too afraid of rejection. I mean, that's logical, right? No one wants to have their heart broken.

Well, I did get my heart broken and it was the worst thing I'd ever felt. It's happened twice since and rejections haven't gotten any easier to take. But it's a part of life.

I'm not one to post on social media or gab about my love life. That's just not me. But, I'm about to. Now it might not be what you're expecting, but it's something I can't keep inside me. It's the greatest love story of all time.

God saw what a mess the world had become since man had sinned, but He had a plan. He sent is only Son to save all of mankind. Jesus Christ humbled Himself to become a man and a servant to all. He lived a perfect life and did no wrong in thought, word, or deed. Yet, he was brutally killed on a cross. The saddest part of the story is that the nails were not what held Him on that cross. No. My sins held him to that cross. MY SINS. Your sins. The sins of every man, woman, boy, and girl to ever live on this earth. Jesus willingly gave up His perfect record and His life to take my punishment. He loved me so much that He lived the life I could never live and died the death that I so fully deserve, so that I could be with Him for all eternity. He still wants me even after everything I've done, even after I put Him on the cross. No one will ever love me, could ever love me as Jesus loves me. Almighty God, the creator of the entire universe, the Holy one, wrote the greatest love story, and He included me.

Oh, but that's not the end. Jesus didn't just die, no! God raised him from the dead three days later. God robbed the grave, forever taking away death's sting. Jesus is alive and some sweet day I'll get to see Him face to face. Oh, how I long to hug my savior and thank Him for loving me so! I will never get over the love that God has for me, nor do I want to.

With His love for you, how can you not shout it from the mountain tops!? From the valleys low!? From the midst of the fiercest storms!? And from your best days!? Jesus loves you!!! You'll never find a greater love!

I hope you never forget that.
Happy Easter Everyone!
Christ is risen!!!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

To Paint a Picture

This week's post is nothing profound or even all that serious. I recently wrote a paper for my future of mind class in which we came up with a working definition of consciousness. To start my paper I came up with a story that helped me to gain a slight inclination of how my mind works. It also makes for a pretty great, fun blog post ;) So, here is the story I created: A Picture Painted with Words

Close your eyes. Picture yourself standing beside your car, palms sweating and heart racing in anticipation. Each breath feels like an eternity. Then you hear it, the booming voice over the intercom. “All drivers to your cars please, all drivers to your cars.” Immediately you turn around, grab the handle and sling open the door. You hop into the seat, grab the keys, and click the seatbelt into place. You are now waiting for those four key words. You hear the distinct buzz of the intercom. Here we go. “Drivers, start your engines!” Immediately you turn your wrist, rotating the keys forward and the engine roars to life. Your eyes go wide. You jam your right foot to the floor, while simultaneously lifting your left off the clutch. The tach needle flies as the engine revs higher and higher. The tires squeal, leaving a cloud of smoke and burnt rubber on the pavement as the wheels gain traction. The tach redlines, you let off the gas, mash the clutch in, throw the gear selector down into second, then it’s left foot up, and right foot down – hard on the gas. In a matter of seconds, you’re in third, now fourth, your eyes catching a glimpse of the speedometer quickly climbing higher and higher…60...70…80…90, all the way past 120. Everything around you is a blur, but at the same time, it’s all in perfect focus. Your senses are heightened, the adrenaline courses through your veins like lightning, and at that very moment everything else just fades away. In that moment, nothing else matters. It’s just you, the car, and the road, but they’re not three separate things anymore. Somehow, they have become one – you have become one, with the speed force.
While reading this, you no doubt formed images in your mind of what this scenario looked like, but did you ever think that the images you came up with might be different than what I envisioned when making the story? For instance: what kind of car did you picture? What color was the paint? The interior? Was it clean or dirty, old or new? I’ll tell you what I saw. I pictured a pristine, 1967 Mustang. It’s a bright red-orange with a soft, black leather interior. The steering wheel is a smooth, glossy, oak wheel with a chrome center that matches the chrome of the gauges and contrasts beautifully with the black of the dash. The texture of the wheel feels just like the glossy, white shifter ball. The petals at my feet have a little bit of wear to them, but have just the right amount of resistance when you press them. The seat is comfortable, but not worn to the point where I sink down in it. I can feel the seat belt across my lap as it hugs me and the rumble of the engine courses through me as I sit in the seat. It’s a feeling like no other, yet I’m not really in this car. I am not actually experiencing anything I just described. My mind somehow filled in all of the details and it’s like I can almost feel the textures, see the colors, hear the sounds of this mind-made car. I am aware of all of the surroundings, even though none of them are real. Thank you consciousness for filling in the details.

You may not be a car fanatic like I am, but feel free to comment what you saw in your mind :)
Have a great week everyone!

The Hurt Is Real, But So Is Hope

I've never been one to openly admit my struggles to just anyone. I like to put on a mask and make it look like everything's okay. Let's face it, we all do. But, I would rather be genuine than live a lie, even if I'm the only one who knows it.

Going back to school yesterday was great. I was so glad to be done with spring break. Now, I know that is basically the opposite of how everyone else was feeling. But, I also learned something criticality important that first day back. It was something the bonus chapel speaker said that got to me and made me realize in a sense, why I feel the way I do during breaks from school. She said, "whatever your motivation, hope, trust, joy, faith" (I can't remember the word she actually used) "is in, be it your money, your job, your athletic abilities, etc, is who you are. But when something happens and you lose that money, or your job, or are injured and you can no longer use your athletic abilities, your whole world crumbles. It is only when your life is grounded in Christ that you can be satisfied no matter what happens to you and no matter what you lose. Because your relationship with Christ is something that can never be taken away by anyone or anything."

That hit me hard. I mean, I knew that, but hearing it somehow made it more real and caused me to take a look at my own life. I realized that I wasn't grounded in Christ the way I thought I was. My happiness had become contingent on my friends. Life was great when I was with them, but without them, my whole world seemed to fall apart. There's nothing wrong with having friends. Friends are great. I care about them very much. But they can't become more important than God.

Looking back, they had. That was the reason I despise breaks so much. I'm away from everyone I know and love. And it doesn't seem fair. Everyone I know has someone to do something with over breaks. Not me. That really hurts me. I was hurting so badly on the inside that I tried to dull the inner pain with physical pain. I hit the side of my face and even tried to cut my cheek with a rock. I wanted so badly to take my mind off of the hurt I was feeling. But I know that was not the way to handle it. I am ashamed of trying to hurt myself and I really don't want anyone to know, but maybe someone out there really needs to hear this. I was entirely too close to my own situation to think clearly on my own. I chose to, in a way, ignore God. My relationship with Him wasn't like the relationship with my friends. I could talk to God about anything and everything. I know that He is always there, but it wasn't the same. It always felt like a one way conversation. All I wanted was for Him to talk back to me, to have a conversation, as I know a conversation to be. But that's not the way God works.

I realize now that my relationship with God is unlike any other relationship I will ever have. And it means more to me than any other relationship ever will. Christ died on a cruel cross to save me from myself and my sins. He died and rose again so that I could one day be with Him for the rest of eternity. No one else ever has or ever will love me to the degree that Christ loved and still loves me. No one else would or could do what He did. He loved me enough to stand in my place, take the full wrath of God upon Himself, and give up His own life to save me. HE DIED AND ROSE AGAIN TO SAVE ME!!! He did that for every single human being. I don't deserve that, no one does, but He loved me, He loved you anyway.

As I began to really think and reflect upon that, I realized once again that I AM loved and nothing else could ever compare to the greatness of knowing the one true God.

People will come and go. My friends and even my family will come and go. Yes, they have an impact on my life. They help shape who I am. But, they are all fallen human beings and can never make me WHOLE. So my problem wasn't being away from the people I know and love. I let myself become dull to God, His word, and His love for me. That was the real problem. Once I realized that, I could finally do something to fix it. I'm done driving blind. I'm turning the gps back on and letting God lead me where He wants me to go. Without Him I am lost and I am nothing.

I am grounded in Christ, in Christ alone.

My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

Spring_I Don't Want Another_Break

Why is this my life? Why is this where I'm supposed to be? How am I doing anyone any good where I'm at now?
I would give anything to be a missionary kid. I would give anything to be someone living in another country. I would give anything to have just a taste of being anyone but me. People tell me I make a difference. But how have I? I've lived my whole life in a 10' x 12' box I call my room. I can't handle a phone call, I don't know how to talk to people, I've never had a best friend, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had a job, I've never been anything to anyone. My whole life has been school, cars, and drawing. I put in the work. I do my very best to follow the rules and to do what is right, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm a nobody to society. I'm nonessential. I'm no one's rose. I'm poor. My family's poor. Not living on the streets poor, but sometimes I think that would be better. We would be more genuine, it would be more real. I don't get out, I don't do anything. I've lived in South Carolina my whole life. I could probably count the number of times I've been out of the state on my hands. There's a whole world out there and here I am stuck in this box. To get anywhere in life you gotta know people. I learned very quickly that it's not about what you know, it's who you know. And I don't know anybody. I don't have any connections. I'm a twenty year old drowning in a world of grown ups. I'm at the age that I'm considered an adult and am expected to make grown up decisions and handle grown up responsibilities, but I'm still looked down upon like a child. Too young and too small to do anything. Some of my friends have had a hard life. But I would give anything to have what they have, to go through what they've been through, to really live. Because let me tell you, just being alive, barely making it through each day, wondering if anyone really needs me, isn't living. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. God loves me. He cares. He sent His own son to die on the cross to save me from eternal damnation, because I am a sinful, wicked man. I chose sin over God. But He loved me enough to pursue me. He still loves me after all that I've done, and even when I feel like a nobody. His word tells me that I am His child. I am a son to Him. I'm not worthy of any of it, but I am His, nonetheless. God and His love is the only thing that gets me through each day. It's easier when I'm with people. It's easier not to feel so alone. But when a break from school rolls around, I've only got me, and I don't like myself that much. I hate it and it's not comfortable to admit it, but it's the sad truth.

P.S.
If I message you or hang out with you or bother you a lot, it's because you mean something to me. You've made me feel special in some way. I'm grateful for that and I enjoy every minute of it, for the time that you spend on me. I'm not worth it and I don't deserve it. That's why I cherish it so much. I care very deeply about people, so when I'm alone, I don't have anyone to love on and it makes me feel useless. Look-this is all very raw and very real. These are my feelings. I'm making a conscious choice to share them through this blog post because I don't know how to tell anyone any other way. Maybe someone out there will read this and maybe it will help them to understand that people can't always tell you how they feel, but they want to. There are plenty of people out there who are lonely and hurting. I don't know exactly where I was going, but I'll end with this: I have so much love to give, but I can't give it away from where there is no one to receive it, from this room I "live" in. So the next time you think about your situation, what you're going through, and how much you hate it, remember, there's someone out there who would give anything to have even your worst days. I know I would.

A Fresh Look

Generally, when we think of Valentine's Day we think of the love between two people; a man and a woman and their relationship with each other. That's probably the way most people think about it. But I'm not most people. I don't think that's the only way to look at Valentine's Day. Being single, I am able to take a different approach to such a day. I don't see it as a day just for couples. I see it as a day to show love to all people; a day to remember to love one another.

We wouldn't even know what love is if it wasn't for our Heavenly Father. "We love because He first loved us." 1 John 4:19 God has loved us with an unconditional love and He wants us to do the same. Take a look in the New Testament and see how many times it is stated: love one another. (It's a lot)

Luke 10:27 And he answered, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.”

John 13:34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.

1 Peter 4:8 Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

1 John 4:7-10 Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent his only Son into the world, so that we might live through him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

Romans 12:10a Love one another with brotherly affection.

1 John 3:18 Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth.

1 John 4:11 Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.

Luke 6:35 But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil.

Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

1 John 3:16 By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.

John 15:13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.

Galatians 5:13 For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

1 Thessalonians 3:12 And may the Lord make you increase and abound in love for one another and for all, as we do for you.

1 John 3:11 For this is the message that you have heard from the beginning, that we should love one another.

John 15:12 “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

John 13:35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.

These are merely a few places in scripture that mention loving one another. I could go on and on, but that would make for an extremely long blog post, but at least you get my point.

I'm not trying to change the definition of Valentine's Day. I'm just trying to say there's more than one way to look at it. I have a very deep love for people and I try to live out Christ's love every day in my life. If people only remember one thing about me, I hope that it is that I loved them. Because I know this: people will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But people will never forget how you made them feel.

Happy Valentine's Day to all the couples, to my family, to my friends, and to all you single folk out there as well.
I love you guys!

Drive

I'm used to creating images with images, not images with words. However, I was curious to see if I could do it. So this blog post isn't anything profound or super serious. It's just a short, made up story I wrote. Is it any good? I don't know. I guess that's up to you to decide :)

It's late. Later than he anticipated. And it's colder than he had remembered it being a couple hours ago. He's about 30 feet from his truck. He pushes the unlock button on the key fob as he briskly walks and watches as the interior light flashes on. He arrives at the door and opens it, hearing the familiar click from the latching mechanism. He hops into the cab and shuts the door. He grabs the key from his jacket pocket and inserts it into the ignition. It's dark, but he's done it a million times and knows exactly where the key goes without having to look. As quickly as he can, he turns the key and the engine roars to life. He throws the gear selector into reverse, cuts the wheel to the left and hits the gas. He lifts his foot off the gas and mashes the brake. He pulls the lever down two notches into the drive position, straightens out the wheel and jams his foot back onto the accelerator. He hears a slight screech from the tires as he then glides to the stop sign. The pavement glistens in front of the yellow glow of the headlights. It had rained earlier that day and the asphalt was still damp. He was turning right. With no traffic visible in either direction, he romped on the gas pedal as hard as he could and turned to the right. The tires gave a profound squeal as he felt the rear end start to break loose and slide. Without having to think, he turned the wheel back to the left still keeping the gas pedal pressed tightly to the floor. Eventually the tires began to grip the road again and propel the truck in a more forward motion. He slowly straightened the steering wheel to bring the truck out of the oversteer and back in line with his lane. He stopped at the next intersection, a 4-way, then sped off into the night. He wasn't fully aware of it at that moment, but he would realize it soon enough. He let out a sob and wiped his eyes, one at a time, always keeping one hand on the steering wheel. His vision was blurred by the tears, and his mind by that word. It was a word he never wanted to hear again, although he would hear it many more times throughout his life. The word contradicted itself! It made no sense. He would later realize that it wasn't so much the word he had a problem with, but what the word meant.
- Goodbye