instead of just my friend?
You know I had this crush on you,
and I simply can't pretend,
that you rejecting me
brought those feelings to an end.
It's stupid and it's silly,
how I cannot recognize,
that I'll never be with you
when I look into your eyes.
My heart aches and breaks
for I only want someone
who loves me through and through.
Someone who loves me
the way that I love you.
That was my attempt at expressing something through a poem. I'm sure I butchered every law of poetry known to man. Writing is just not my thing. And apparently, neither is love. Anyway, this post is pretty personal. If you don't want to hear it, then you can go ahead and stop reading now. (Not that many people read my blog anyway)
Still with me? Ok.
I'm not going to lie. Christmas break is going to be hard. I will, no doubt, spend 99% of it in my room. There used to be a time when I didn't mind being alone in my room. I could actually get stuff done. But after getting out and doing life with friends, being alone is... painful.
Growing up, I never had friends over, never went anywhere, or hung out with anyone outside of school. My parents said I couldn't date anyone until I was a junior in high school. That didn't bother me a bit. I simply wasn't interested at the time. But now, I'm a sophomore in college and I have yet to go on a first date. It's not for lack of trying. It's just every time I ask, I get turned down. Now I'll admit, I'm not very good at asking. I'm not good at talking to people in general. But it is kinda discouraging when you expect to hear, "no" as the answer before you bother to ask the question.
Do you want to know the hardest part? Well, I'll tell you anyway. It's knowing the feelings you have for the person won't just go away, the second they answer "no". That sucks. (Sorry) But it does. From then on, every time you see that person, you're reminded of those feelings and your heart breaks a little more. I've heard that with time, those feelings fade and things get easier. Whether or not that's true, I have yet to find out.
I've heard people say, "Don't worry, God has someone for you." I politely smile and nod, but wish I had the courage to speak up and tell them, that's not how it works! No where in scripture does it say that God has someone picked out for you; a "soul mate" so to speak. That's not biblical. It might be a concept of "Christian culture", but it's not biblical. Guess I went on a bit of a rant there, sorry.
Seeing the person who turned you down, with someone else isn't easy. But I am happy for those people who have found someone to love and that loves them back. I wish that I could find someone. Maybe someday I will. But until then, I'll be where I always am. At home, in my room, alone, just trying to stay busy.
If you're reading this and you happen to be one of the two people I actually asked out, please don't take this the wrong way. I'm not mad or upset at you at all. There are no hard feelings. I love you and I'm truly grateful that you're still a part of my life.
I also know that some of the guys I hang out with are going to read this. Don't flip out or make a big deal about it. And don't be like: "aww, poor RJ," either. I'm fine, really. (Besides, you guys are pretty much the reason the percentage of time spent in my room over break isn't going to be 100%)
I had to find something to write about this week. This is just what happened to be on my mind. That's kinda the purpose of my blog, to write about the things I'm going through. Now, it's also about spreading love and encouragement as well as the gospel. Don't worry, I didn't forget about that part of the post :)
If you didn't read the entire post, you would probably conclude that I am a needy person, that I think people or a relationship will make me complete. Only part of that statement is true. I am needy. But I know, that no person could ever make me complete. Only God can. HE is what I need.
God never meant for us to be self sufficient. Instead, He designed us to need Him, not only for daily bread but also fulfillment of deep yearnings. He carefully crafts our longings and feelings of incompleteness to point us to Him. Therefore, don't try to bury or deny these feelings. Beware also of trying to pacify these longings with lesser gods: people, possessions, power. Go to God with all of your neediness, with your defenses down, humbly seeking Him. As you spend time in God's presence, your deepest longings are fulfilled. Rejoice in your neediness, which enables you to find completion in Him.
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33
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