This is a new part of my life. One I don’t know how to face, one I’m not used to and didn’t ask for. Well, I didn’t ask for it consciously. But now I find myself with a lot of questions, a lot of feelings I don’t understand, a lot of disappointment. It’s true what has been said: “you do not know what you have until it is gone.” This blog post is for me to share my thoughts and feelings to whomever cares to read it and it is about me being without a wife and child now. I do not know how to express myself or tell anyone how I’m feeling in person. My words do not come. So instead this is how I get it all out.
The best way I know how to express my feelings to people would be through stories or examples. So I will do that now. My life has felt a lot like the movie Fireproof. The young man constantly fights with his wife and doesn’t feel respect. They start to go through a divorce. In the mean time the mans father gives him a journal and tells his son not to give up yet but to give it one more try. He puts in minimum effort at first because it’s not working. But then he really tries, giving it his everything. He comes back to Jesus and gives the situation to Him. It’s meant to show how God can take something irredeemable and restore it. Now it is just a movie. Not everyone’s situation can be fixed in such a way. Sometimes the end result isn’t what you hoped for or what you wanted. The statistic still stands that 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce, whether you’re Christian or not. Reality is harsh. Life sucks. Now I’m not legally divorced yet. I want to make that point as well. My wife has left me, moved four hours away and has taken the baby, our sweet baby Shelby, with her. She’s made it clear to me that we are through. We’re completely separated and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. The both of us have done our share of wrongs and caused hurt to one another. The hurt that was caused created a larger mess later, leading to more fights and arguments, less trust and more resentment. That is all I will say on that. I truly had thought about the movie Fireproof at times in my relationship. I was giving it my all to attempt to make up for my mistakes and to do whatever I could to help mend things between my wife and I. But now she is gone and I am on my own.
That is the overview of what happened. I don’t like talking about it and I don’t like going into detail because I wish to respect my wife and myself in that regard. My feelings however, I can explain and let out all I want. They are mine. I feel lost and hurt. I’ve never been on my own before. I’ve lived with my parents, then with my wife at my parents, then with my wife at an apartment. Not having another person around is very difficult for me. I have been extremely depressed and unmotivated to do very basic things. It is still a struggle to get up and go to work. I can tell my performance in the workplace has slacked off some. It is not because I don’t wish to do my job, it is because the way I feel affects how I act. I struggle to eat enough food to function properly. I manage to eat enough to get by, but I know it’s not what I need to be taking in. I lose energy halfway through a work shift and come close to passing out. At my apartment, I lay in bed the majority of the time and only eat when I can’t push the hunger away anymore. Laying down, my body doesn’t feel the urge to eat the way it recognizes hunger when I sit, stand or move about. I don’t want to go to the store to get food. Again, I have not been on my own to do this before. It’s new to me and uncomfortable. The apartment was a wreck from lack of upkeep. Dishes, trash, clothes, you name it, they were all neglected. That’s not normal for me. I’m generally a very neat person. I have since taken care of (most) of those things. I have to force myself to do so. I’ll hear my “neighbors” in their bedroom and that depresses me. Instead of just being annoying it actually brings me to a low point in my mood and self esteem. It has been difficult taking things down or boxing them up or even seeing things that belonged to my wife and I as well as coming across things that are baby’s. I miss them a lot. I miss Shelby a lot. I don’t get to see her often, even over the phone. Maybe all of ten minutes throughout the week. I know I’m missing a lot of her precious life and I don’t like it at all. The times when I do try and call to see her, I get: the baby’s asleep or napping or eating or we aren’t home right now. I don’t agree with how things are handled on that end or the behavior I know is going on down there, but now it is out of my control. The best I can do is be there for Shelby in whatever aspect I can be. My little family was all I really had. Outside of work I don’t have anyone I talk to or spend time with. Making those kinds of connections feels nearly impossible now. My parents have been there and helped out some. I’m grateful for that. I wish I had people my age who were there and were willing or able to spend time doing things to take my mind off of the negatives. My work family helps the best they can and I’m grateful for them. It’s still a struggle. Life doesn’t always seem fair. In fact most times it doesn’t.
So, I am having a really hard time right now dealing with the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind. Thank you to everyone who has been able to make me smile at least a little bit over this last week. Life will go on, and God is still God. I know time with help and things will work out one way or another. But right now it’s a difficult time. I just wanted to share what has been going on so maybe if you see me or have already asked me what has happened you will have a better understanding since I’m not good at just speaking it all. Thanks for reading.
I hope to see my baby girl again soon. Daddy loves you Shelby
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