What’s Been Going on Lately

This is a new part of my life. One I don’t know how to face, one I’m not used to and didn’t ask for. Well, I didn’t ask for it consciously. But now I find myself with a lot of questions, a lot of feelings I don’t understand, a lot of disappointment. It’s true what has been said: “you do not know what you have until it is gone.” This blog post is for me to share my thoughts and feelings to whomever cares to read it and it is about me being without a wife and child now. I do not know how to express myself or tell anyone how I’m feeling in person. My words do not come. So instead this is how I get it all out. 

The best way I know how to express my feelings to people would be through stories or examples. So I will do that now. My life has felt a lot like the movie Fireproof. The young man constantly fights with his wife and doesn’t feel respect. They start to go through a divorce. In the mean time the mans father gives him a journal and tells his son not to give up yet but to give it one more try. He puts in minimum effort at first because it’s not working. But then he really tries, giving it his everything. He comes back to Jesus and gives the situation to Him. It’s meant to show how God can take something irredeemable and restore it. Now it is just a movie. Not everyone’s situation can be fixed in such a way. Sometimes the end result isn’t what you hoped for or what you wanted. The statistic still stands that 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce, whether you’re Christian or not. Reality is harsh. Life sucks. Now I’m not legally divorced yet. I want to make that point as well. My wife has left me, moved four hours away and has taken the baby, our sweet baby Shelby, with her. She’s made it clear to me that we are through. We’re completely separated and she doesn’t want anything to do with me. The both of us have done our share of wrongs and caused hurt to one another. The hurt that was caused created a larger mess later, leading to more fights and arguments, less trust and more resentment. That is all I will say on that. I truly had thought about the movie Fireproof at times in my relationship. I was giving it my all to attempt to make up for my mistakes and to do whatever I could to help mend things between my wife and I. But now she is gone and I am on my own. 

That is the overview of what happened. I don’t like talking about it and I don’t like going into detail because I wish to respect my wife and myself in that regard. My feelings however, I can explain and let out all I want. They are mine. I feel lost and hurt. I’ve never been on my own before. I’ve lived with my parents, then with my wife at my parents, then with my wife at an apartment. Not having another person around is very difficult for me. I have been extremely depressed and unmotivated to do very basic things. It is still a struggle to get up and go to work. I can tell my performance in the workplace has slacked off some. It is not because I don’t wish to do my job, it is because the way I feel affects how I act. I struggle to eat enough food to function properly. I manage to eat enough to get by, but I know it’s not what I need to be taking in. I lose energy halfway through a work shift and come close to passing out. At my apartment, I lay in bed the majority of the time and only eat when I can’t push the hunger away anymore. Laying down, my body doesn’t feel the urge to eat the way it recognizes hunger when I sit, stand or move about. I don’t want to go to the store to get food. Again, I have not been on my own to do this before. It’s new to me and uncomfortable. The apartment was a wreck from lack of upkeep. Dishes, trash, clothes, you name it, they were all neglected. That’s not normal for me. I’m generally a very neat person. I have since taken care of (most) of those things. I have to force myself to do so. I’ll hear my “neighbors” in their bedroom and that depresses me. Instead of just being annoying it actually brings me to a low point in my mood and self esteem. It has been difficult taking things down or boxing them up or even seeing things that belonged to my wife and I as well as coming across things that are baby’s. I miss them a lot. I miss Shelby a lot. I don’t get to see her often, even over the phone. Maybe all of ten minutes throughout the week. I know I’m missing a lot of her precious life and I don’t like it at all. The times when I do try and call to see her, I get: the baby’s asleep or napping or eating or we aren’t home right now. I don’t agree with how things are handled on that end or the behavior I know is going on down there, but now it is out of my control. The best I can do is be there for Shelby in whatever aspect I can be. My little family was all I really had. Outside of work I don’t have anyone I talk to or spend time with. Making those kinds of connections feels nearly impossible now. My parents have been there and helped out some. I’m grateful for that. I wish I had people my age who were there and were willing or able to spend time doing things to take my mind off of the negatives. My work family helps the best they can and I’m grateful for them. It’s still a struggle. Life doesn’t always seem fair. In fact most times it doesn’t. 

So, I am having a really hard time right now dealing with the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind. Thank you to everyone who has been able to make me smile at least a little bit over this last week. Life will go on, and God is still God. I know time with help and things will work out one way or another. But right now it’s a difficult time. I just wanted to share what has been going on so maybe if you see me or have already asked me what has happened you will have a better understanding since I’m not good at just speaking it all. Thanks for reading. 

I hope to see my baby girl again soon. Daddy loves you Shelby 

God Weighs Your Motives

"All a man's ways seem right to him, but the Lord evaluates the motives."
-Proverbs 16:2

Not gonna lie. This weekend has been super hard. I have had things happen that I never expected. I got hurt, but it was my own fault. I said things I shouldnt have, things I wish I could take back. I made choices I regret. But through it all, God was teaching me something, a lesson I needed to learn.

We are so quick to question the motives of others, yet we are so slow to question our own. When others harm us, we tend to assume the worst of intentions. When we are guilty, we often excuse our offences, concluding that others are to blame. Regardless of how we monitor our motives, God weighs them in His scales of righteousness. It is futile to try to deceive God with our vain justifications, for He sees our hearts.

Is it possible to do the right thing for the wrong reasons? Of course! You can attend worship services with a heart that is far from worshipful. (Isaiah 1:10-17) Could you show concern for the poor and yet have a heart that is opposed to God? Judas did. (John 12:4-8) Could you make bold statements of love for Christ and actually be aiding the work of Satan? Peter did. (Matthew 16:21-23) Could you offer sacrifices to God and be in total disobedience to Him? King Saul did. (1 Samuel 13:8-14) Could you pray with the wrong motives? James said you can. (James 4:3)

Many things cause us to do what we do. We can be motivated by good things, such as love for God, compassion, generosity, and faith. Or our actions can come from unhealthy motives such as pride, insecurity, ambition, lust, greed, guilt, anger, fear, and hurt. It is even possible to do the best things based on the worst motives. When the Lord measures our motives He looks for one thing: Love. All that we do should proceed from our love for God and for others. (1 Corinthians 13)

I encourage you to really go through and read these sections of scripture, not just take notice of the references. The three previous paragraphs were taken from my devotional. God really used it to speak to me in a time when I needed to hear it most. Sunday night I felt just awful. Part of it was because some friends invited me to play basketball with them, but they were already inside when I got there and I tried to get a hold of them to let me in, but no one noticed. It was late so I left. I drove a total of 40 miles for nothing. It hurt, but that wasn't what really got to me. It just happened to be the breaking point.

I lied to my friend on Friday. Later realizing what a terrible mistake I made, I told her what I did. I had to apologize and hope she would forgive me. She did. But some friend I was. I don't know why I did what I did, but I know it was selfish and I hated myself for it. There were plenty of other situations too, but I'm not looking to write a book, although it wouldn't be hard to do considering all of the times I screwed up. Anyway, the point is it took looking back on all of these situations and the way I handled them, along with the way they made me feel to realize what the problem was. The problem was in my motives. They were selfish and sinful.

I'm not good at approaching situations I am unfamiliar with. And it seems that I always end up making the wrong decisions. I'll conclude by saying this: my big thing isn't being patient with God, it's trying to understand the "why" behind the things that I go through. Sometimes I may never understand the reasons why, so it takes faith, and a lot of it to trust God in what He is doing. This time He was showing me that I need to keep a check on my motives. This life isn't about me. MY life isn't about me. It's about God. It always has been. That's the whole reason any of us are here: to love and praise and serve and worship the one true God. He brought me back to Matthew 6:33." Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness and all of these things will be added unto you." That's my job. That is my entire life mission. No matter what I am doing, I need to be seeking God's kingdom and His righteousness. That means surrendering my life and my plans and doing what God wants me to do. His plans are so much better than anything I could ever imagine, so why wouldn't I!? Because I'm selfish. I am a sinful human being and I want to do what I want to do. That is why I must die to myself every day and live for Jesus instead. It's not easy, but I'll never stop trying.

Side Note:
I've had wonderful friends who have been encouraging, loving, patient, caring, and most importantly forgiving to help me through times like these. I am super thankful for you guys and the fact that you always point me back to Jesus. Because honestly, when I'm going through stuff like this, He is the last thing on my mind. I tend to push Him away. 😔 So thank you for persistantly pointing me back to God and His word. Thank you for never giving up on me. I love you guys!

Iron Sharpens Iron

Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.
Proverbs 27:17

The Christian life is a journey. At times it gets difficult and we get lonely. Sometimes we may become discouraged and consider abandoning the journey. It is at such times that God will place a friend along side us. One of God's most precious gifts to us is friends who encourage us and lovingly challenge us to "keep going."

According to scripture, a friend is someone who challenges you to become all that God intends. Jonathan could have succeeded his father to become the next king of Israel. But he loved his friend David, and he encouraged him to follow God's will, even though it meant Jonathan would forfeit his own claim to the throne. (1 Samuel 19:1-7)

The mark of biblical friends is that their friendship draws you closer to Christ. They "sharpen" you and motivate you to do what is right. True friends tell you the truth and even risk hurting your feelings because they love you and have your best interests at heart. (Proverbs 27:6)

Be careful in your choice of friends! Jesus chose His closest friends wisely. He did not look for perfect friends, but friends whose hearts were set to follow God. It is equally important to examine the kind of friend you are to others. As a friend, it is your duty to put the needs of others first. (Proverbs 17:17) Strive to find godly friends who will challenge you to become the person God desires. When you have found them, be receptive to the way God uses them to help you become spirituality mature. Strive also to be the kind of friend that helps others to become more like Christ.

I've got some of the best friends anyone could ask for. They've been with me in good times and bad. They know some of the worst parts of my life and they still choose to stick around. They're always encouraging me and making me laugh. But even in the serious moments, they show such wisdom in their advice. Most importantly, they are always pointing me back to Christ. They might not even be aware of it at times, but I can see it in the way they live, they way they act, the way they speak, and the things they do for others.

I have asked for their help more times than I can count and somehow, each time I ask they do their best to help out. They have modeled for several photography projects, they have helped me when I got stuck on conceptual ideas for drawing projects, they have driven me to cookout, taken me hiking, taken me skating, they've been a part of my art class critiques, they've played ball with me, they've paid for my meals, tried to give me gas money, and even driven me home when I was unable to do so myself. They have included me in their "families," they have given me random gifts just because, they have made me a part of their small groups and bible studies, they have given me their numbers and told me to contact them if I ever need someone to talk to, they have helped me promote my artwork, they give me hugs, they make taking care of my own dishes a challenge, because they get to them before I even notice. They stay up late texting me when I'm struggling with something, they even threw me a surprise birthday party! They help me with secret projects that only I know what the purpose is until I reveal them, they drive me to table rock at night to watch meteor showers, they put up with my sass, they take all the crap I give them if their vehicle isn't a Ford, they listen to me talk about art and cars for hours, they hear me out no matter how awkward I am in making conversation.

My friends are kind, they are patient, they are loving, and in all that they do they point me back to Christ. I truly couldn't ask for better friends!!! I only hope I can be as good a friend to them as they are to me, and I hope that my life points them to Jesus.

One of Only Three Hikes I've Ever Been On

Open Dorm Night

His Vineyard Trip to Forward

Dinner with Friends

DNow with Some of the Guys

Small Group

Mountain Laurel Reveal Night

One of My Photo Projects

A Shield For Faith

Last week at school I revealed a project I had been working on since winter break. I planned on it being a weekend project. That didn't happen. I ran into SO MANY problems I nearly gave up, several times. But in the end, I managed to complete it. Some of you know it as Project Snowstorm, to some of you it's the shield, to others you might have no clue what I'm talking about. But I'm about to tell you the story behind it.

Winter break was an extremely tough time for me. There were times when I had literally zero motivation to do anything. But, through reading scripture, prayer, and the support of my friends I made it through. Not only did I make it through, but I had also found something to get motivated about.

I was struggling with my faith, not necessarily doubting it, but I just didn't have much of it. But like I said, inspiration hit. I remembered who I am and why I'm here; it's not for me. It's for God. And no matter how hard things get, He will be there with me every step of the way. So I decided to make myself a physical reminder of this, similar to the little cross necklace I made back in high school. I wear that necklace every day to remind myself of what Jesus did for me, and so I don't take that for granted. He gave up everything for me and He deserves no less than my best regardless of how I feel.

I tell you that so that you might have a better understanding of why I took on this other project. What is it exactly? It's a shield. But not just any shield. It's not even a Captain America shield, as cool as that would be. It's a shield for faith. Now, you might be wondering why I didn't say "a shield of faith." That's simple. The shield is not made of faith. It's just metal and paint. But, I made it to remind myself to always have faith. Because it's one thing to say, "yeah, I've got my shield of faith today." It's a whole other thing to carry around a physical shield. It's there. It's tangible. It has weight. You can't help but be reminded that you're carrying this thing around. What I'm saying is, it makes it real. It solidifies the concept in my mind. I know that God will be with me whatever I may be going through, sure. But when I look at that shield, I instantly think, "you know, God's got this. He's never failed before and He won't start now. It doesn't matter how I feel. It doesn't matter how hard the situation may be. I am His, and He will always be there to get me through. I can always have faith in Him.

Making the shield was no easy task. I started with a circular metal sled. I cut the outer edge off to remove the curled lip. My friends let me tell you, cutting a perfect circle on a curved surface is no piece of cake. After that I stripped the red paint off of both sides of the disk. That was a pain as well. Eventually,I found a better paint stripper, but it still took me about four solid days to get down to bare metal. I definitely thought about quitting at that point. But I didn't. By the time I had the paint stripped, it was time for the spring semester of college to start. So the project got put on hold. At some point I decided to take a weekend and just finish it. By then, the disk was covered in rust. So I had to clean that off. It took a whole day to clean and mask off my design. But by the end of the day, I had it painted. The next day I clear coated it. I did not have the proper technique and in the end, some areas the clear coat puddled and in others it splattered. It was ruined. The only way to fix it would be to strip the whole thing and start over. I was in tears. I had put so much into the disk and was so close to having it finished and then I screw it up. After that happened, I was done. I gave up on it. I planned on getting a spun aluminum disk and starting over. So the ruined disk sat in my room for over a month.

Two weekends ago I was having another hard day. So I was in my room listening to music. The song that came on reminded me that life isn't perfect. Rarely, if ever does life go the way we expect it to. I looked over at the disk and something just clicked. I realized my faith isn't perfect either. I have doubts, I falter, I mess things up, but that's what makes me who I am and makes me turn to God. It's easy to praise God in the good times, but it is hard as crap to praise Him when everything is crashing down on you. So I finished the shield. I cleaned the rust off the back, made a handle and an arm strap, and cleared the back. It was done. Now, some of the rust had started to show on the front through the clear coat. But, this wasn't news to me. It had looked like that a couple of days after I cleared the front. The clear coat prevented it from rusting any further. But the rust that did show through, gave it this beautiful golden color. That made me think, that's kind of the way God uses us. He takes all of us, including our broken parts and makes something beautiful.

I said I made the shield for the same kind of reason I made my necklace. I wear the necklace every day. Now, I'm not going to carry around a giant metal shield around everywhere I go, not every day at least. I had a hard, disappointing day this past weekend and I knew that Monday would be an especially tough day for me. So I decided to take the shield with me and carry it around wherever I went. I needed the physical reminder that God has me and I could and needed to put my faith in Him to get me through. That's why I made it in the first place!!! It helped. It also strengthened something else in my mind. I often worry about what other people will think of me. So it took a bit of courage to walk around campus all day with a metal shield on my arm. I mean, that's not normal. People know that's not normal and some even stared. But then I remembered, it doesn't matter what anybody else thinks about me. It only matters what God thinks about me. So for those of you that did see me with it yesterday, know this: I wasn't carrying it around to show off. In fact, I was a little embarrassed walking around with it at first. But, I was carrying it because yesterday was a hard day for me. I'm okay, though.

To everyone who's reading this:
I love you! Jesus loves you!!! I hope you have a great day!

Here are some pictures of what the shield looked like at different stages of the process.

Love Does'nt Make Sense

To fall in love with someone is easy, in a sense. To tell them how you feel is difficult. To get over those feelings is the hardest thing imaginable.

I'm currently in the second stage; I'm trying to tell someone how I feel about her. I've struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I can recall all of the girls I've had a crush on from late elementary school through college. I never told a girl that I liked her until just after high school. I didn't know how and I was too afraid of rejection. I mean, that's logical, right? No one wants to have their heart broken.

Well, I did get my heart broken and it was the worst thing I'd ever felt. It's happened twice since and rejections haven't gotten any easier to take. But it's a part of life.

I'm not one to post on social media or gab about my love life. That's just not me. But, I'm about to. Now it might not be what you're expecting, but it's something I can't keep inside me. It's the greatest love story of all time.

God saw what a mess the world had become since man had sinned, but He had a plan. He sent is only Son to save all of mankind. Jesus Christ humbled Himself to become a man and a servant to all. He lived a perfect life and did no wrong in thought, word, or deed. Yet, he was brutally killed on a cross. The saddest part of the story is that the nails were not what held Him on that cross. No. My sins held him to that cross. MY SINS. Your sins. The sins of every man, woman, boy, and girl to ever live on this earth. Jesus willingly gave up His perfect record and His life to take my punishment. He loved me so much that He lived the life I could never live and died the death that I so fully deserve, so that I could be with Him for all eternity. He still wants me even after everything I've done, even after I put Him on the cross. No one will ever love me, could ever love me as Jesus loves me. Almighty God, the creator of the entire universe, the Holy one, wrote the greatest love story, and He included me.

Oh, but that's not the end. Jesus didn't just die, no! God raised him from the dead three days later. God robbed the grave, forever taking away death's sting. Jesus is alive and some sweet day I'll get to see Him face to face. Oh, how I long to hug my savior and thank Him for loving me so! I will never get over the love that God has for me, nor do I want to.

With His love for you, how can you not shout it from the mountain tops!? From the valleys low!? From the midst of the fiercest storms!? And from your best days!? Jesus loves you!!! You'll never find a greater love!

I hope you never forget that.
Happy Easter Everyone!
Christ is risen!!!

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

To Paint a Picture

This week's post is nothing profound or even all that serious. I recently wrote a paper for my future of mind class in which we came up with a working definition of consciousness. To start my paper I came up with a story that helped me to gain a slight inclination of how my mind works. It also makes for a pretty great, fun blog post ;) So, here is the story I created: A Picture Painted with Words

Close your eyes. Picture yourself standing beside your car, palms sweating and heart racing in anticipation. Each breath feels like an eternity. Then you hear it, the booming voice over the intercom. “All drivers to your cars please, all drivers to your cars.” Immediately you turn around, grab the handle and sling open the door. You hop into the seat, grab the keys, and click the seatbelt into place. You are now waiting for those four key words. You hear the distinct buzz of the intercom. Here we go. “Drivers, start your engines!” Immediately you turn your wrist, rotating the keys forward and the engine roars to life. Your eyes go wide. You jam your right foot to the floor, while simultaneously lifting your left off the clutch. The tach needle flies as the engine revs higher and higher. The tires squeal, leaving a cloud of smoke and burnt rubber on the pavement as the wheels gain traction. The tach redlines, you let off the gas, mash the clutch in, throw the gear selector down into second, then it’s left foot up, and right foot down – hard on the gas. In a matter of seconds, you’re in third, now fourth, your eyes catching a glimpse of the speedometer quickly climbing higher and higher…60...70…80…90, all the way past 120. Everything around you is a blur, but at the same time, it’s all in perfect focus. Your senses are heightened, the adrenaline courses through your veins like lightning, and at that very moment everything else just fades away. In that moment, nothing else matters. It’s just you, the car, and the road, but they’re not three separate things anymore. Somehow, they have become one – you have become one, with the speed force.
While reading this, you no doubt formed images in your mind of what this scenario looked like, but did you ever think that the images you came up with might be different than what I envisioned when making the story? For instance: what kind of car did you picture? What color was the paint? The interior? Was it clean or dirty, old or new? I’ll tell you what I saw. I pictured a pristine, 1967 Mustang. It’s a bright red-orange with a soft, black leather interior. The steering wheel is a smooth, glossy, oak wheel with a chrome center that matches the chrome of the gauges and contrasts beautifully with the black of the dash. The texture of the wheel feels just like the glossy, white shifter ball. The petals at my feet have a little bit of wear to them, but have just the right amount of resistance when you press them. The seat is comfortable, but not worn to the point where I sink down in it. I can feel the seat belt across my lap as it hugs me and the rumble of the engine courses through me as I sit in the seat. It’s a feeling like no other, yet I’m not really in this car. I am not actually experiencing anything I just described. My mind somehow filled in all of the details and it’s like I can almost feel the textures, see the colors, hear the sounds of this mind-made car. I am aware of all of the surroundings, even though none of them are real. Thank you consciousness for filling in the details.

You may not be a car fanatic like I am, but feel free to comment what you saw in your mind :)
Have a great week everyone!

The Hurt Is Real, But So Is Hope

I've never been one to openly admit my struggles to just anyone. I like to put on a mask and make it look like everything's okay. Let's face it, we all do. But, I would rather be genuine than live a lie, even if I'm the only one who knows it.

Going back to school yesterday was great. I was so glad to be done with spring break. Now, I know that is basically the opposite of how everyone else was feeling. But, I also learned something criticality important that first day back. It was something the bonus chapel speaker said that got to me and made me realize in a sense, why I feel the way I do during breaks from school. She said, "whatever your motivation, hope, trust, joy, faith" (I can't remember the word she actually used) "is in, be it your money, your job, your athletic abilities, etc, is who you are. But when something happens and you lose that money, or your job, or are injured and you can no longer use your athletic abilities, your whole world crumbles. It is only when your life is grounded in Christ that you can be satisfied no matter what happens to you and no matter what you lose. Because your relationship with Christ is something that can never be taken away by anyone or anything."

That hit me hard. I mean, I knew that, but hearing it somehow made it more real and caused me to take a look at my own life. I realized that I wasn't grounded in Christ the way I thought I was. My happiness had become contingent on my friends. Life was great when I was with them, but without them, my whole world seemed to fall apart. There's nothing wrong with having friends. Friends are great. I care about them very much. But they can't become more important than God.

Looking back, they had. That was the reason I despise breaks so much. I'm away from everyone I know and love. And it doesn't seem fair. Everyone I know has someone to do something with over breaks. Not me. That really hurts me. I was hurting so badly on the inside that I tried to dull the inner pain with physical pain. I hit the side of my face and even tried to cut my cheek with a rock. I wanted so badly to take my mind off of the hurt I was feeling. But I know that was not the way to handle it. I am ashamed of trying to hurt myself and I really don't want anyone to know, but maybe someone out there really needs to hear this. I was entirely too close to my own situation to think clearly on my own. I chose to, in a way, ignore God. My relationship with Him wasn't like the relationship with my friends. I could talk to God about anything and everything. I know that He is always there, but it wasn't the same. It always felt like a one way conversation. All I wanted was for Him to talk back to me, to have a conversation, as I know a conversation to be. But that's not the way God works.

I realize now that my relationship with God is unlike any other relationship I will ever have. And it means more to me than any other relationship ever will. Christ died on a cruel cross to save me from myself and my sins. He died and rose again so that I could one day be with Him for the rest of eternity. No one else ever has or ever will love me to the degree that Christ loved and still loves me. No one else would or could do what He did. He loved me enough to stand in my place, take the full wrath of God upon Himself, and give up His own life to save me. HE DIED AND ROSE AGAIN TO SAVE ME!!! He did that for every single human being. I don't deserve that, no one does, but He loved me, He loved you anyway.

As I began to really think and reflect upon that, I realized once again that I AM loved and nothing else could ever compare to the greatness of knowing the one true God.

People will come and go. My friends and even my family will come and go. Yes, they have an impact on my life. They help shape who I am. But, they are all fallen human beings and can never make me WHOLE. So my problem wasn't being away from the people I know and love. I let myself become dull to God, His word, and His love for me. That was the real problem. Once I realized that, I could finally do something to fix it. I'm done driving blind. I'm turning the gps back on and letting God lead me where He wants me to go. Without Him I am lost and I am nothing.

I am grounded in Christ, in Christ alone.

My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.