Going back to school yesterday was great. I was so glad to be done with spring break. Now, I know that is basically the opposite of how everyone else was feeling. But, I also learned something criticality important that first day back. It was something the bonus chapel speaker said that got to me and made me realize in a sense, why I feel the way I do during breaks from school. She said, "whatever your motivation, hope, trust, joy, faith" (I can't remember the word she actually used) "is in, be it your money, your job, your athletic abilities, etc, is who you are. But when something happens and you lose that money, or your job, or are injured and you can no longer use your athletic abilities, your whole world crumbles. It is only when your life is grounded in Christ that you can be satisfied no matter what happens to you and no matter what you lose. Because your relationship with Christ is something that can never be taken away by anyone or anything."
That hit me hard. I mean, I knew that, but hearing it somehow made it more real and caused me to take a look at my own life. I realized that I wasn't grounded in Christ the way I thought I was. My happiness had become contingent on my friends. Life was great when I was with them, but without them, my whole world seemed to fall apart. There's nothing wrong with having friends. Friends are great. I care about them very much. But they can't become more important than God.
Looking back, they had. That was the reason I despise breaks so much. I'm away from everyone I know and love. And it doesn't seem fair. Everyone I know has someone to do something with over breaks. Not me. That really hurts me. I was hurting so badly on the inside that I tried to dull the inner pain with physical pain. I hit the side of my face and even tried to cut my cheek with a rock. I wanted so badly to take my mind off of the hurt I was feeling. But I know that was not the way to handle it. I am ashamed of trying to hurt myself and I really don't want anyone to know, but maybe someone out there really needs to hear this. I was entirely too close to my own situation to think clearly on my own. I chose to, in a way, ignore God. My relationship with Him wasn't like the relationship with my friends. I could talk to God about anything and everything. I know that He is always there, but it wasn't the same. It always felt like a one way conversation. All I wanted was for Him to talk back to me, to have a conversation, as I know a conversation to be. But that's not the way God works.
I realize now that my relationship with God is unlike any other relationship I will ever have. And it means more to me than any other relationship ever will. Christ died on a cruel cross to save me from myself and my sins. He died and rose again so that I could one day be with Him for the rest of eternity. No one else ever has or ever will love me to the degree that Christ loved and still loves me. No one else would or could do what He did. He loved me enough to stand in my place, take the full wrath of God upon Himself, and give up His own life to save me. HE DIED AND ROSE AGAIN TO SAVE ME!!! He did that for every single human being. I don't deserve that, no one does, but He loved me, He loved you anyway.
As I began to really think and reflect upon that, I realized once again that I AM loved and nothing else could ever compare to the greatness of knowing the one true God.
People will come and go. My friends and even my family will come and go. Yes, they have an impact on my life. They help shape who I am. But, they are all fallen human beings and can never make me WHOLE. So my problem wasn't being away from the people I know and love. I let myself become dull to God, His word, and His love for me. That was the real problem. Once I realized that, I could finally do something to fix it. I'm done driving blind. I'm turning the gps back on and letting God lead me where He wants me to go. Without Him I am lost and I am nothing.
I am grounded in Christ, in Christ alone.
My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.
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