I would give anything to be a missionary kid. I would give anything to be someone living in another country. I would give anything to have just a taste of being anyone but me. People tell me I make a difference. But how have I? I've lived my whole life in a 10' x 12' box I call my room. I can't handle a phone call, I don't know how to talk to people, I've never had a best friend, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had a job, I've never been anything to anyone. My whole life has been school, cars, and drawing. I put in the work. I do my very best to follow the rules and to do what is right, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm a nobody to society. I'm nonessential. I'm no one's rose. I'm poor. My family's poor. Not living on the streets poor, but sometimes I think that would be better. We would be more genuine, it would be more real. I don't get out, I don't do anything. I've lived in South Carolina my whole life. I could probably count the number of times I've been out of the state on my hands. There's a whole world out there and here I am stuck in this box. To get anywhere in life you gotta know people. I learned very quickly that it's not about what you know, it's who you know. And I don't know anybody. I don't have any connections. I'm a twenty year old drowning in a world of grown ups. I'm at the age that I'm considered an adult and am expected to make grown up decisions and handle grown up responsibilities, but I'm still looked down upon like a child. Too young and too small to do anything. Some of my friends have had a hard life. But I would give anything to have what they have, to go through what they've been through, to really live. Because let me tell you, just being alive, barely making it through each day, wondering if anyone really needs me, isn't living. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. God loves me. He cares. He sent His own son to die on the cross to save me from eternal damnation, because I am a sinful, wicked man. I chose sin over God. But He loved me enough to pursue me. He still loves me after all that I've done, and even when I feel like a nobody. His word tells me that I am His child. I am a son to Him. I'm not worthy of any of it, but I am His, nonetheless. God and His love is the only thing that gets me through each day. It's easier when I'm with people. It's easier not to feel so alone. But when a break from school rolls around, I've only got me, and I don't like myself that much. I hate it and it's not comfortable to admit it, but it's the sad truth.
P.S.
If I message you or hang out with you or bother you a lot, it's because you mean something to me. You've made me feel special in some way. I'm grateful for that and I enjoy every minute of it, for the time that you spend on me. I'm not worth it and I don't deserve it. That's why I cherish it so much. I care very deeply about people, so when I'm alone, I don't have anyone to love on and it makes me feel useless. Look-this is all very raw and very real. These are my feelings. I'm making a conscious choice to share them through this blog post because I don't know how to tell anyone any other way. Maybe someone out there will read this and maybe it will help them to understand that people can't always tell you how they feel, but they want to. There are plenty of people out there who are lonely and hurting. I don't know exactly where I was going, but I'll end with this: I have so much love to give, but I can't give it away from where there is no one to receive it, from this room I "live" in. So the next time you think about your situation, what you're going through, and how much you hate it, remember, there's someone out there who would give anything to have even your worst days. I know I would.
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