A War Inside

From my final photography project: This piece is titled The War Inside.
The concept of this image is to showcase the two sides of our
personality that seem to battle against each other. There's the side
that tries to leave the brokenness behind and overcome it with a
smiling, happy disposition. Then there's the side that can't let go,
the side that says: we can't find worth in ourselves.

This week has been hard. So many things happened that I didn't expect. This week I felt so many different things, most of which were not what I wanted to feel. I experienced pain, hurt, regret, sadness, hopelessness, shame, fear, jealousy, longings, loneliness, nothingness even. There were moments of joy and peace, but they were few and far between. I honestly didn't think there'd be a blog post this week. I didn't see the point.

I lost my sense of pride or whatever it is that keeps me from telling people how things really are in my life. I'm a mess underneath and most of the time, I'm just too scared to show it. Everything's not fine and I'm not okay. More people learned that about me this week than I thought ever would.

I got some bad news about one of my family members, dealt with some relationship issues, was forced to take on some tough responsibilities with almost no warning. The list goes on and on. There have been days this week that I laid in my bed and cried for the longest time. Days I didn't feel like doing anything. I literally had zero motivation. In fact Thursday, I hardly had anything to eat I felt so bad. All this to say, I had a rough week, like most weeks, but so much worse.

Now there were good times. I did get to spend time with some of my friends, which is quite rare during Christmas break, or any break for that matter. I got to drive my truck more than usual. If you don't already know this, I love driving. It just feels good to be behind the wheel, zipping down the road. Driving is the one time I enjoy being alone. It's peaceful and I can sing along to the radio as loud as I want to and nobody can judge me. I can cry, I can pray... shoot I can dance. Well, not exactly dance, but groove to the music anyway. It's freeing. Other than driving and hanging out with some friends, not much else "good" happened.

With it being such a difficult week, I turned to God more than ever. I was constantly in the Word, praying and seeking His face. Honestly, I was lost and didn't know what to do. I'm still not sure why everything is happening to me the way it is, but His word gives me comfort and hope. Sometimes it doesn't feel like much, but it's something and that's better than nothing. After last week's post, I didn't think things could get any worse for me. Boy, was I wrong. If last week's post was hard for me to write, then this one was near impossible. Like I said earlier, I almost decided not to bother writing one for this week.

A few friends and three books have kept me going this week: the Bible, a book called: How to Stay Christian in College, and my daily devotional. Both the devotional and the book on college point me back to the Word. That's important. The book on college has shown me the basics of Christianity all over again. And I needed that. So many times, people grow up in church and never truly learn the most basic parts of the story, God's story and plan. Now, the Bible teaches that to enter the kingdom of heaven one must be like a child. This doesn't mean we must have a child like understanding. No, no, no. What Jesus was trying to say was that we need to have child like faith. Children believe anything and trust anyone. They don't need to think about it. That's the kind of faith we need to have; to trust what God says no matter what. To trust and obey. But what is it that we need to have this kind of faith in, exactly? "That Jesus is the life, the truth, the way. That no one comes to the Father except through Him." John 14:6 Jesus is the only way to heaven. And thank goodness it's so simple and that it's free!

That was a reassuring thing to hear this week. There's one more thing I read about, this time in my devotional, that encouraged me this week. A race, but no ordinary race. The race Paul talks about in 2 Timothy 4:7. "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."

I will close with this.
There is much satisfaction in finishing something you have begun. The success of a race is determined not only by how well you begin but also how well you end. Many athletes can begin a race impressively, but if they stumble or are injured or lack the stamina to finish, their good start is useless. Paul rejoiced that he had not only begun the race; but he had also finished it. His prize was a robust faith in God and a life filled with God's powerful presence.

The Christian life is not easy. Boy, is that ever a true statement! Some mistakenly assume that once they become children of God, their struggles are over. Many Christians begin their walk with God enthusiastically, but as the pressures mount, they lose heart and abandon their pilgrimage. I've lost heart many times, but I haven't abandoned God. He's the only thing keeping me going, the only reason I haven't quit or given up.

Paul described his Christian life as a battle. There were times when he struggled, and only through perseverance could he continue. It may surprise us to know that the great apostle had to struggle at times to be faithful to God. Paul faced persecution, misunderstanding, betrayal, and death threats. His Christian life was anything but easy, yet he persevered.

Your faith in God is not proven by beginning the race but by enduring to the finish. Publicly announcing your commitment to Christ in your church does not compare with a lifetime of devotion to His cause. Live your life in such a way that you can one day conclude, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith!"

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."
Philippians 1:6

"If you think you've blown God's plan for your life rest in this: you, my beautiful friend, are not that powerful."
Lisa Bever