Get Back Up!

I remember the first portrait I ever drew. I had no idea what I was doing. I knew drawing people would be hard. Well, drawing people isn't necessarily difficult, but making the drawing resemble a specific person is. Before I started, I told myself something. I said, "drawing people is not my specialty, but I'm going to make it my specialty." I said it jokingly then, however it is a specialty of mine now. And it's something I really enjoy. But that doesn't mean I became good at at it overnight.

I often get bogged down when life throws me a curve ball or when I've tried everything and nothing goes right. I find myself playing the comparison game. Man, I wish I was super spiritual like that guy, or I wish I was more organized and could accomplish as much as that girl, or if only I was a little taller, or more outgoing, or well, you get the picture. Earlier today I got to thinking: what am I doing with my life? It seems as though I do a whole lot of nothing most of the time. I might work on a drawing for a while, or do some homework, or chores, or something, but it seems like the people around me get so much more done than I could ever hope to accomplish. So when life gets hard, I feel like quitting. But let me tell you something else: I'm no quitter.

I've got another story to tell you. I went roller skating about a week ago with some friends. None of us were phenomenal skaters. However, I felt like I was the worst. I fell down more than anyone else. In fact, my tailbone is still sore. It was embarrassing to watch all of those people skate circles around me. There were 8, 10, 12 year olds who could zoom around the rink better than I could. And it seemed like my friends all made more progress than I did and I never saw them fall on their butts. Now, I already knew I was a terrible skater. I had accepted that. And I wasn't mad at anyone. It just seemed like I found something else I was no good at and everyone else could see that. I'm sure those young kids thought I looked like a doofus wobbling around out there. (I know I felt like a doofus) But to me, it didn't matter what all of those people thought. Every time I fell, I painfully and awkwardly got back to my feet and tried again. I didn't think about it then, but today I realized an important lesson. But, there's a little more story to tell before I get there.

My mom happened to find a pair of skates lying around the house a couple of days ago. (Coincidence? I think not). The best part? They're vintage skates from like the 70's! (So cool!!!) So after watching 12 year olds skate circles around me last week and spending half the time falling down, I was determined to do better. I cleaned up the garage a bit, laced up the skates, put my game face on, and got after it. Sure, I fell... a lot, but by the end of the afternoon I could maneuver around without thinking too much, I could turn, and I could sorta stop. I made progress.

You see, when my mom found the skates, I saw it as an opportunity to put a life lesson into action: if you fall down 100 times, get up 101 times. It's not easy and sometimes it hurts, but it's worth it. If you can't tell, I'm not just talking about roller skating. I'm talking about life. In today's world, we want things and we want them now. We don't have patience. So when things move too slowly, or if things get too hard, it's often easier to quit. That describes me to the letter. Or, it did anyway. I realize that God made me the way I am for a reason. So sure, there will always be someone out there who can do something better than me, but God didn't call me to be like that person. He called me to be like His Son, Jesus Christ; I am to follow His example, not anyone else's. God doesn't judge me by how well I measure up to the ability of others. He judges me by His standards. Did I do the best I could? Did I do what God asked ME to do? Is MY heart in tune with God's? I am His and I need to live like He is enough - because He is.

"Now we know that God’s judgment against those who do such things is based on truth. God will repay each person according to what they have done. To those who by persistence in doing good seek glory, honor and immortality,he will give eternal life. But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger. There will be trouble and distress for every human being who does evil: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile; but glory, honor and peace for everyone who does good: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile. For there is no respect of persons with God."
Romans 2:2,6-11

I'll go back to where I started this post.
Drawing portraits is still a challenge. I do alright, but I'm always striving to improve, to do better. If someone were to ask me what drawing was my favorite, I would give them the same answer as Carroll Shelby: The next one! Sure, I've done some pretty cool pieces, but whenever I get an opportunity to do a new picture, I relish it. I look at it as a chance to learn, a chance to improve, a chance to forget past mistakes and try again.

If you don't get anything else out of what I've said, get this: You can never learn and you will never grow if you fall down but don't get back up.

I've been there. I know.

A special thanks to my friends who invited me to go roller skating. I may never have realized these things had it not been for all the times I fell and bruised my butt ;)

Words

(I wish I had a picture of myself to use for this)

"What is man, that You are mindful of him?" Psalm 8:4a

To think that God Himself cares about me - that is something I cannot fathom. Out of all the things and people He created, He decided the world needed one of me too. Why? I don't know! Sometimes I feel that the world would be a better place without me in it. I mess things up all the time. It doesn't matter how hard I try, I always get something wrong.

I had a bad day earlier this week. It was the day before classes resumed following winter break. I said some things I shouldn't have said, did some things I shouldn't have done. Things I wish more than anything that I could take back. But I can't. I realized the next morning the mistakes I had made. I felt bad and all I wanted to do was make things right. Sadly, it's not as easy as saying: "I'm sorry." Just because you realize the stupidity of your decision, where you went wrong, doesn't mean all is well - especially not for the other people involved in the situation. It pains me greatly to say this. But I have never hurt someone so badly as I did this time, in all my life.

Hurting another person is something I never wanted to do. And now I've gone and done the thing I hate most. You know the saying: "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me?" Complete rubbish. Words hurt far worse than any physical pain ever could. They cut deeper and tear further. Words are very powerful things. But words can also be used for good. It all depends on what you choose to say. Sadly, I chose wrong.

I promise I'm not singling out the person I hurt in this instance. (Truth is, I actually hurt a lot of people in this instance, myself included) You can believe that or not. My word isn't worth very much at this point, I know that. But I'm going to be real and own up to some things right now. I lost a friend just over a year ago. And by "lost" I don't mean the person died. I lost that person as a friend. To make a long story short, there was a lack of communication and it nearly led to me getting arrested. We don't talk anymore and we have since grown apart. I hate that: Losing somebody I care about. I was truly hurt by that experience and it was awful. I never wanted anything like that to happen again. Sadly, I feel that it is. Only this time, I caused the pain and I am the one to blame.

I've grown away from my own family. I'm not comfortable talking about 90% of things that go on in my life with them. I don't like that and I want things to change. I'm trying to make a change.

The point is, no matter the situation, I always say the wrong thing. I let my immediate thoughts and feelings get the best of me and say things I don't mean, things I later regret. If I should speak, it should only be out of love. And if I can't do that, then I need to shut my mouth. God created me out of His love. And He has shown me what His kind of love looks like. It's unconditional. It's pure. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 puts it this way: "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." The first part of verse 8: "Love never fails." As a human being, as a man, I do fail. I fail to live out God's kind of love. But I never want to stop trying. Even through all of my mistakes, God has not given up on me. And after all He has done for me, I have no right to give up on Him - Regardless of how hard things get.

I'm here on this earth for 4 reasons.

1.  To give God praise, honor, and glory.
2.  To love others. That means everyone. 
3. To serve others. Yep, that also includes everyone. 
4. To share the gospel with EVERYONE. 

This life isn't about me. My life isn't about me. It's all about God. I'm ashamed, but sometimes I forget that. I am a selfish, wicked man. I do the things I hate and fail to do the things I should. I never want to hurt anyone. It doesn't matter if they love me or they hate me. It doesn't matter if they hug me or they hit me. The only thing I want to have for people is love.

I know I will fall short. I missed the mark badly this time. All I can do is humbly ask for forgiveness, SOMETHING I DON'T DESERVE! And hope that I don't lose someone because of a mistake that I made. Be it a friend, family member, stranger. A man, woman, boy, or girl. But even if I do lose them as I have in the past, I will never stop loving them.

Because...

God never stopped loving me.

"We love because He first loved us."
1 John 4:19

https://www.youtube.com/watch/HisKindOfLove

Putting Down the Pencil

I'm tired of fighting.

Do you ever get to that point? The point where you just want to give up? That's where I'm at now. But the truth is, I've been there for a long time. Most of you haven't seen that. You've seen the mask that I put on that says: "It doesn't get to me - you know, all the kicks and all the blows? I'm fine." Well, I'm not.

I've done everything I could do. I don't understand why God is allowing everything to happen to me. Just when I catch a glimmer of hope, something comes along and snuffs it out. There's only so much I can take, you know?

My aunt had a good analogy. Think of the canned goods aisle at the grocery store. It's like this: sometimes you are gonna be like a perfect whole fresh tomato..things are going great. Then there comes the levels....for example canned but whole...diced...crushed...and finally. Juice. Sometimes man all ya are is juice. It's the truth. And juice is how I feel. Juice stinks 🍅🍅🍅

My friends have tried to encourage me, they really have. But they still don't get me. Every single day is a struggle. It's a battle to get out of bed and push those voices out of my head. The ones that say I'll never be anything, I'll never have purpose, I'll never understand what love really means. Waking up and going to sleep are the hardest times. That's when those thoughts really get to me. I can't count how many times I thought about running away or just wanting to die. Nobody gets that. No one understands what this break has been like for me. And I know that when I get back to school things aren't going to magically get better. Life doesn't work that way. And it's not just that; it's other stuff too. Something is always going wrong. My friends try to be there for me, they try to lift my spirits with a kind word or thought maybe once a week. I've been too afraid to ask anyone, but I really wish someone would call or message me every day and just talk with me, even if it's just for a few brief moments. Something to distract me from the lies that satan tries to fill my head with. Don't get me wrong. I know that talking to friends isn't the way to defeat satan and his lies. No. God is the one I turn to. It is through talking to Him and learning from His Word that I find my victory over the devil. But it's always nice to have a friend to talk to. It helps me to feel not quite so alone, like someone else actually cares.

Anyway, it's late and I'm not 100% sure if this post has any sort of flow to it or is even comprehensible since I'm half asleep, but oh well.

This will be my last blog post for the foreseeable future. I've been feeling so down for so long and it's really hard to find anything encouraging to say to my readers. That's one of the reasons I even bothered to start a blog. So until I can do that, it's probably best that I just don't post anything for a while.

Love you guys,
God bless.