The Hurt Is Real, But So Is Hope

I've never been one to openly admit my struggles to just anyone. I like to put on a mask and make it look like everything's okay. Let's face it, we all do. But, I would rather be genuine than live a lie, even if I'm the only one who knows it.

Going back to school yesterday was great. I was so glad to be done with spring break. Now, I know that is basically the opposite of how everyone else was feeling. But, I also learned something criticality important that first day back. It was something the bonus chapel speaker said that got to me and made me realize in a sense, why I feel the way I do during breaks from school. She said, "whatever your motivation, hope, trust, joy, faith" (I can't remember the word she actually used) "is in, be it your money, your job, your athletic abilities, etc, is who you are. But when something happens and you lose that money, or your job, or are injured and you can no longer use your athletic abilities, your whole world crumbles. It is only when your life is grounded in Christ that you can be satisfied no matter what happens to you and no matter what you lose. Because your relationship with Christ is something that can never be taken away by anyone or anything."

That hit me hard. I mean, I knew that, but hearing it somehow made it more real and caused me to take a look at my own life. I realized that I wasn't grounded in Christ the way I thought I was. My happiness had become contingent on my friends. Life was great when I was with them, but without them, my whole world seemed to fall apart. There's nothing wrong with having friends. Friends are great. I care about them very much. But they can't become more important than God.

Looking back, they had. That was the reason I despise breaks so much. I'm away from everyone I know and love. And it doesn't seem fair. Everyone I know has someone to do something with over breaks. Not me. That really hurts me. I was hurting so badly on the inside that I tried to dull the inner pain with physical pain. I hit the side of my face and even tried to cut my cheek with a rock. I wanted so badly to take my mind off of the hurt I was feeling. But I know that was not the way to handle it. I am ashamed of trying to hurt myself and I really don't want anyone to know, but maybe someone out there really needs to hear this. I was entirely too close to my own situation to think clearly on my own. I chose to, in a way, ignore God. My relationship with Him wasn't like the relationship with my friends. I could talk to God about anything and everything. I know that He is always there, but it wasn't the same. It always felt like a one way conversation. All I wanted was for Him to talk back to me, to have a conversation, as I know a conversation to be. But that's not the way God works.

I realize now that my relationship with God is unlike any other relationship I will ever have. And it means more to me than any other relationship ever will. Christ died on a cruel cross to save me from myself and my sins. He died and rose again so that I could one day be with Him for the rest of eternity. No one else ever has or ever will love me to the degree that Christ loved and still loves me. No one else would or could do what He did. He loved me enough to stand in my place, take the full wrath of God upon Himself, and give up His own life to save me. HE DIED AND ROSE AGAIN TO SAVE ME!!! He did that for every single human being. I don't deserve that, no one does, but He loved me, He loved you anyway.

As I began to really think and reflect upon that, I realized once again that I AM loved and nothing else could ever compare to the greatness of knowing the one true God.

People will come and go. My friends and even my family will come and go. Yes, they have an impact on my life. They help shape who I am. But, they are all fallen human beings and can never make me WHOLE. So my problem wasn't being away from the people I know and love. I let myself become dull to God, His word, and His love for me. That was the real problem. Once I realized that, I could finally do something to fix it. I'm done driving blind. I'm turning the gps back on and letting God lead me where He wants me to go. Without Him I am lost and I am nothing.

I am grounded in Christ, in Christ alone.

My hope is built on nothing less, than Jesus' blood and righteousness.
I dare not trust the sweetest frame, but wholly trust in Jesus' name.

Spring_I Don't Want Another_Break

Why is this my life? Why is this where I'm supposed to be? How am I doing anyone any good where I'm at now?
I would give anything to be a missionary kid. I would give anything to be someone living in another country. I would give anything to have just a taste of being anyone but me. People tell me I make a difference. But how have I? I've lived my whole life in a 10' x 12' box I call my room. I can't handle a phone call, I don't know how to talk to people, I've never had a best friend, I've never had a girlfriend, I've never had a job, I've never been anything to anyone. My whole life has been school, cars, and drawing. I put in the work. I do my very best to follow the rules and to do what is right, but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm a nobody to society. I'm nonessential. I'm no one's rose. I'm poor. My family's poor. Not living on the streets poor, but sometimes I think that would be better. We would be more genuine, it would be more real. I don't get out, I don't do anything. I've lived in South Carolina my whole life. I could probably count the number of times I've been out of the state on my hands. There's a whole world out there and here I am stuck in this box. To get anywhere in life you gotta know people. I learned very quickly that it's not about what you know, it's who you know. And I don't know anybody. I don't have any connections. I'm a twenty year old drowning in a world of grown ups. I'm at the age that I'm considered an adult and am expected to make grown up decisions and handle grown up responsibilities, but I'm still looked down upon like a child. Too young and too small to do anything. Some of my friends have had a hard life. But I would give anything to have what they have, to go through what they've been through, to really live. Because let me tell you, just being alive, barely making it through each day, wondering if anyone really needs me, isn't living. I don't know what it is, but it sucks. God loves me. He cares. He sent His own son to die on the cross to save me from eternal damnation, because I am a sinful, wicked man. I chose sin over God. But He loved me enough to pursue me. He still loves me after all that I've done, and even when I feel like a nobody. His word tells me that I am His child. I am a son to Him. I'm not worthy of any of it, but I am His, nonetheless. God and His love is the only thing that gets me through each day. It's easier when I'm with people. It's easier not to feel so alone. But when a break from school rolls around, I've only got me, and I don't like myself that much. I hate it and it's not comfortable to admit it, but it's the sad truth.

P.S.
If I message you or hang out with you or bother you a lot, it's because you mean something to me. You've made me feel special in some way. I'm grateful for that and I enjoy every minute of it, for the time that you spend on me. I'm not worth it and I don't deserve it. That's why I cherish it so much. I care very deeply about people, so when I'm alone, I don't have anyone to love on and it makes me feel useless. Look-this is all very raw and very real. These are my feelings. I'm making a conscious choice to share them through this blog post because I don't know how to tell anyone any other way. Maybe someone out there will read this and maybe it will help them to understand that people can't always tell you how they feel, but they want to. There are plenty of people out there who are lonely and hurting. I don't know exactly where I was going, but I'll end with this: I have so much love to give, but I can't give it away from where there is no one to receive it, from this room I "live" in. So the next time you think about your situation, what you're going through, and how much you hate it, remember, there's someone out there who would give anything to have even your worst days. I know I would.