Putting Down the Pencil

I'm tired of fighting.

Do you ever get to that point? The point where you just want to give up? That's where I'm at now. But the truth is, I've been there for a long time. Most of you haven't seen that. You've seen the mask that I put on that says: "It doesn't get to me - you know, all the kicks and all the blows? I'm fine." Well, I'm not.

I've done everything I could do. I don't understand why God is allowing everything to happen to me. Just when I catch a glimmer of hope, something comes along and snuffs it out. There's only so much I can take, you know?

My aunt had a good analogy. Think of the canned goods aisle at the grocery store. It's like this: sometimes you are gonna be like a perfect whole fresh tomato..things are going great. Then there comes the levels....for example canned but whole...diced...crushed...and finally. Juice. Sometimes man all ya are is juice. It's the truth. And juice is how I feel. Juice stinks 🍅🍅🍅

My friends have tried to encourage me, they really have. But they still don't get me. Every single day is a struggle. It's a battle to get out of bed and push those voices out of my head. The ones that say I'll never be anything, I'll never have purpose, I'll never understand what love really means. Waking up and going to sleep are the hardest times. That's when those thoughts really get to me. I can't count how many times I thought about running away or just wanting to die. Nobody gets that. No one understands what this break has been like for me. And I know that when I get back to school things aren't going to magically get better. Life doesn't work that way. And it's not just that; it's other stuff too. Something is always going wrong. My friends try to be there for me, they try to lift my spirits with a kind word or thought maybe once a week. I've been too afraid to ask anyone, but I really wish someone would call or message me every day and just talk with me, even if it's just for a few brief moments. Something to distract me from the lies that satan tries to fill my head with. Don't get me wrong. I know that talking to friends isn't the way to defeat satan and his lies. No. God is the one I turn to. It is through talking to Him and learning from His Word that I find my victory over the devil. But it's always nice to have a friend to talk to. It helps me to feel not quite so alone, like someone else actually cares.

Anyway, it's late and I'm not 100% sure if this post has any sort of flow to it or is even comprehensible since I'm half asleep, but oh well.

This will be my last blog post for the foreseeable future. I've been feeling so down for so long and it's really hard to find anything encouraging to say to my readers. That's one of the reasons I even bothered to start a blog. So until I can do that, it's probably best that I just don't post anything for a while.

Love you guys,
God bless.